"Hello, Mr. Discontent. So, We Meet Again"::The Unwanted Visitor

So, last week I sat down at the computer to write and browsed through some rough drafts I had. I read this post below and realized I had never published it on my blog as I had intended to. 

How fitting. The past few weeks have been a little hard. We had to put our dog of 12  years to sleep 3 weeks ago. I had been crying daily prior to "the day" and for days afterward. Then this happened, then that. You know how it goes. Your heart gets just a little tired and it's the perfect situation for ol' Mr. Discontent to coming sneaking in the back door. 

Reading my own words, oddly enough, encouraged me and convicted me when I really needed to be encouraged and convicted. I know it's not me; it's God. I think it's kinda cool how he works things out. 

Here's my forgotten post from several months ago...........

And so it happens again and right around the same time, too.

"What's that?" you ask.

Oh, this feeling I get. This unhappy tug on my heart. It starts so slowly that it just sneaks up on me. It was right around lunch. I was warming up pasta, rinsing off strawberries, calling the kids to lunch. They were hungry and happy to eat.

"Dee, Dee!!! Lunch ready!!!" Henry mimicks  me.

I glance at my to-do list. Nothing had been checked off.

Though, I reminded myself, that I had taken a shower, done my hair, put on make-up even!!!, spent time with Andy before he went to work at 10:30 (weird shift right now), put away laundry, made my bed, and started a load of laundry.

Oh, and I home schooled. I rock, right?

But as I look at the sink full of dishes I chide myself, "Why can't I ever get that darn dishwasher empty before lunch? Then my sink wouldn't pile up with dirty dishes."

As I put the plates full of yummy food in front of my happy children, I feel the twinge of a headache behind my eye. Not again! Another headache? Really?

I sit down with my kids, in my warm house (which is pretty clean considering the time of day), eating a delicious lunch (tuna salad on toast- one of my faves), with two ridiculously cute kids smiling at me and I feel......... discontent.

I look at that word...... discontent. Such an ugly word. So unnecessary when I have so much. How can I be this? Discontent.

We had had such a good morning. It had gone much smoother, actually, than the previous two. I slept in a little but still managed to get a shower before the kids got up. We spent extra time cuddling on the couch watching cartoons. This meant school did not start on time; but Henry was so snuggly and actually sat curled up on my lap for a long time. I have to take these moments when I can. This kid never stops moving. Lily was wrapped up in a blanket next to me. I loved every minute.

School had gone well, Henry actually did our morning calendar time with us without being a total disruption. He even sat and colored at the table while Lily did schoolwork.

Besides my ever growing list of things to do, the day had been great. So why this feeling? Why this sigh of defeat in my heart?

My mind wanders, especially when all I have to talk to is a 5 and 2 year old. And Satan totally uses my mind to get me in tough spaces. When my mind wanders during my day of what often seems mundane tasks, unloading the dishwasher, folding clothes, warming up lunch, feeding the dog, changing a diaper, he's right there to put doubting thoughts in mind.

Like, "Am I just going to do dishes and laundry every day for the next 16 years??"

"How many plastic princess plates can I rinse in a day before my brain explodes?"

"Is our life too boring? Maybe I should have the kids signed up for more activities."

"Jen, you've been home for two days now. And besides a hair appointment for Henry tomorrow, your schedule is wide open. You should be more involved in things, have more commitments, have more friends."

And then there's FOMO. Do you know what that means? I didn't until recently. Someone posted that on my Facebook wall in response to something I had written. I had no idea what it meant. I had to google it.

FOMO is Fear of Missing Out.

In the two minutes it took me to warm up two plates of leftover pasta my mind had wandered to a million different places of discontent.

There was surely all sort of friends out there doing fun things without me. Having lunch dates, play dates, going shopping, enjoying themselves, taking their kids to fun classes. Surely not what I'm doing, changing poopy diapers and washing the pink princess plate for the umpteenth time.

Everyone else's life must be more interesting and fun than mine.

Then within the very same moments my heart floods with guilt. I should be happy to stay home with my two favorite people. Why am I counting down the hours until naptime? A good mom wouldn't do that.

In the time it takes me to place the plates in front of my little free spirits, my blond headed babies, I feel beaten, discouraged. But why?

I stop and feel like slapping myself in the face. Snap out of it!! And I do. I choose to ignore the pile of dishes in my sink, the laundry waiting to fold, the things that must be done today and I choose to enjoy my lunch with my children. I choose to read them a story on the couch before nap and snuggle just a little bit more. I am happy in this moment. I am loved. I love.

Then I sit to write and sort out this thought that is tangled in my mind, this feeling that creeps in like a slithering snake, where it has no business being. This...discontent. I'm quite sick of his company. I haven't been entertaining him as much lately in my life; but he still manages to come over, uninvited of course.

I stop to reread the words I've written. It's almost like I flung them out on the page, just spewed them out there. Is this how I really feel about my life?

The truth is, I don't. I love my life. I may not love every minute of every day. I could do without a poopy diaper, a bad attitude or load of laundry from time to time. But honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

There was a time when my life was so busy, too busy. I loved my job, my students, my coworkers; but really, I just wanted to be home with my baby. I prayed for 3 years until God said yes. I was so happy to stay home.

And while life with a 2 and 5 year old can hardly be called boring, there are times when it's..... well, boring. I mean, come on. There's only so many times I can watch the Thomas the Tank Engine or Littlest Pet Shop. No matter how many times I wash and fold the clothes, Andy is always asking, "Have you washed any whites?!? I need socks!" I can never keep up, let alone get ahead.

I totally get that this is a season in my life. I'm truly striving to enjoy "this time". I know that in a blink of an eye, the plastic plates and toddler forks will be no more.

I know that I'm going to feel couped up and stir crazy from time to to time, especially since my free time is greatly restricted by homeschooling and naptime.

I am okay with this. I choose this. I'm thankful for the opportunity to home school and I'm thankful to have a little boy who still takes naps!(Can I get an "Amen" on that one?)

What I'm not okay with is feeling like my life is lacking. I don't want to just be okay with life I want to truly enjoy life.

When I list all the things that are good about my life, all the ways God has blessed me. The list vastly overshadows the things I think "should" be different or better. How did my awesome day turn sour so quickly?

I've been challenged lately, through the Word and through the writings of some wonderful authors. I think God has brought them into my life to reveal and convict, to encourage and inspire. Why am I discontent (at the moment)? I am discontent because I choose to be. I choose to focus on the bad even though the good surrounds me. Instead of a habit of gratefulness, I've grown accustomed to wanting things to be different or better. But why?

My life, my children, my husband, my career, my ministry, my relationships.... they are mine. Given to me by God.

 There is no better, because He gives me the best.

The chalkboard on my kitchen wall says, "Today, I Choose Joy." I think I will interchange Joy with Contentment and Gratitude. These things go hand in hand. I've begun reading 1.000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I haven't gotten very far in the book but I've begun keeping my list of gifts. Things I am grateful for. I'm trying to actively watch the world around me. My small world with the thousand toys strewn across the living room floor, the the dog underfoot and the unmade bed. My small world is mine with the belly laughs, good night kisses and a movie on the couch with the hubs when the kids are finally in bed.

I'm hoping and praying that the more I practice this habit of gratefulness, the less I will see of Mr. Discontent. I hope he will not feel so welcome as to come creeping back into my heart as he once did.

I've been challenged in a few areas of my life. First, when I have those days that are quiet and uneventful, when kids are napping and I'm alone, I should use the quiet to pray. I can pray for so many, my husband, my children, family or friends who are struggling, our country, our leaders. I can pray for me, for my wandering heart and my restless spirit. I can pray for God to reveal himself to me in the tiny moments of my day.

Second, when I'm feeling lonely I can do something about it. I can pick up the phone or ask a friend over for coffee. I don't do this as much as I should. While spending time with friends and family is obviously very important, I know that connecting with Christ is the most important. If I'm not doing that, I will feel empty no how matter what I do or who I'm with.

Most importantly I can choose to stew in the pot of discontent or I can choose a different path.

I've been tossing around some changes I think need to happen in my life for weeks now. I keep coming back to two words BE INTENTIONAL!

Whether it is in a slew of busy days or quiet ones, disappointments or blessings, Be Intentional. Enjoy the days as they come. Find the good, the sweet, the delightful in my small realm, every day. Then intentionally give thanks for those things. Be truly grateful.