Never Say Never

I've been mulling over this post for awhile. It's time I hit Publish.

I reread my last post The Exploding Calendar. I was not exaggerating. June was crazy. And fun. But crazy. July has not seemed to slow down at all. Hence the lack of posting. So here goes.

There's been a few changes in the Bauer house lately. This post is about two of them.

First off, I have a kindergartener! Cannot. Believe. It. How did that even happen?

Second, it was our last year at school because we are home schooling Lily next year.

Last day of Pre-K.

Lily with her teacher, Mrs. E. We love her!

Lily with Mrs. B. the Preschool director and a dear friend. She's known me since I was in Pre-K! Yup, I was crying, can you tell?

Special friends.

The last day of school was bittersweet. I was so very excited for summer. I was also so very sad to not be returning next year. I am really excited about being Lily's Kindergarten teacher next year. Yet, I'm a little overwhelmed by all the change.

"I will never home school my kids."

How many times had I uttered those words?

Several.  Many.  Lots.

Why?

Because most of my friends home school. So the subject comes up now and again.  Because over the years, as a teacher, I saw kids leave the classroom and begin home schooling.

Now, I'm home schooling Lily.

I don't know how to convey this in mere words, or how the weight of my words can fully be absorbed just by reading them from this glaring white page.

I NEVER, EVER thought I would or have ever wanted to home school.

I'm not spitting these words out in disgust or shaking my head in disbelief that I have tapped out the following with my fingers: I'm home schooling Lily. Ok, maybe I'm still in a wee bit of disbelief.

I'm quite okay with whole thing now. It was a process, though.

If you want the short version, here it is: We don't have the financial means right now to afford kindergarten in a private school. For us, public school is not an option. Our school has a wonderful Private Satellite Program- Home School. God led us to do that. So we are. The End.

If you know me at all, I'm much wordier than that. If you want the whole story with all the deets. Sit back and relax.

In all seriousness, God has taken Andy and I on a journey through this whole unexpected change of events, especially me. He's taught me a lot about faith and what peace means. He's been teaching me to trust, really trust. And as always, He's showing me how much He loves me and my family.

This post and the next (making it a Two Parter) is about our decision to home school, for this year. It's just another part of our lives that I choose to share on this blog. Right now, it's a huge part of our lives.

This post and the next is also about how God asks us to do things we may not want to do, don't feel equipped to do, or are just plain scared to do. Maybe you are going through a time in your life where God is saying, "This is not what you have planned; but it's what I have planned. Trust me. Follow me."

Just a warning: I'm going to be completely honest. Remember, they are just my feelings and mine alone. And I will probably say the following several times: I am not for or against homeschooling. I'm not for or against private school or public school for that matter. Each has their place and purpose. Just to be clear.

I've been an elementary school teacher for 12 years. I love school. Love. School.

I've wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember. I love everything about school. I loved getting my classroom ready for my students each year, making charts and labeling cubbies. I'm a nerd, I know. I love the whole community and little family you create within the walls of a classroom. I love the special routines, class parties, reading out loud to my students, etc. Did you count how many times I wrote love? You get the picture.

I wanted  and expected Lily to experience all of this and in a way she has. She's been in the Pre-K program at our school for 3 years. She started when she was still two because I was working full time.

A couple of things had changed in the past two years in our family, though. After Henry's birth, I stayed home full time. Andy's job changed. It is a wonderful job and one that enables me to stay home. His hours aren't what most would think ideal. He works the swing shift on the weekends. With Andy working quite a bit of overtime we were able to send Lily to Pre-K, which we thought was totally worth it.

Here's where reality kind of stinks, though. Just because we want something really badly, doesn't mean we get it. The reality of kindergarten and it's price tag was pretty clear. The old saying, "Money doesn't grow on trees" brought on a whole new meaning.

Does Andy have a crummy job or a poor paying job? No. It's a great job that gives us all the money we need to live a happy life where we really aren't wanting. No, we can't take trips to Cancun every summer or buy a brand new car. Most of my wardrobe come from Kohl's and I'm okay with that. Those things aren't necessary for a happy life.

Can we afford for me to stay home and send our daughter to a private Christian school? Not right now and I think most people would find that a stretch.

Could I go back to work? Sure. Could I make enough money to pay for daycare for Henry and school for Lily? Honestly? I don't know, maybe. Will I do that? No.

For us, right now, me being home with our kids is most important. Do I think it's wrong for moms to go back to work while their kids are really young? Well, as I mentioned before, Lily was in school at two because I was working. Enough said.

But, really, it wasn't about the money. Oh, it started off being about the money. It  most definitely was about the money. I think God just used that to get us to open our minds, which were very closed off, to something He wanted to show us.

Again, I love school. If we were rolling in the Benjamins and Lily went off to Kindergarten with her back pack and lunch box and said, "See you at 3:00, mom!", we'd all be fine. She would love her teacher and love school.  I'd miss her horribly; but life would be okay.

The school Lily is at now is amazing. Her would be Kindergarten teacher is a close friend and is a special teacher with a huge, nurturing heart. Lily would be lucky to have her. I worked at this school for 12 years. Many of those teachers are like family. This was one reason why I was so reluctant to home school. I knew what she would be missing.

As the the days drew nearer to reenrollment and then quietly passed, I knew we had to make a definite decision. Andy already knew what we needed to do, I think he was just waiting for me to accept it. The deadline for enrolling in our Home School program was fast approaching and that was what really forced me to deal with the inevitable.

It's funny now as I write this post because I've been writing it over the course of several months. This process started about six months ago. As I read over the previous paragraphs homeschooling sounds more like a death sentence!

I don't feel that way now, six months later. But I did.

Oh, I still have my moments. Like when Henry is hanging off my pant leg, whining for me, while Lily is asking me the same question 5 times in a row as I try to maneuver through a kitchen that looks like the sink threw up and gracefully trip over the laundry basket filled with unfolded clothes that's been sitting there for three days. Having gone for what feels like days of not having a quiet moment to myself I think, "And I 'm going to home school in this? This is crazy town!"

Most days I'm excited. Some days I'm terrified. I think I may have finally learned my lesson, though, of Never Say Never.

Check back for my Part Two. Coming Soon.