I so much want to be a godly wife and a good mom. Really I do. Who doesn't?
Right now those two words, godly and good, are far from what I'm feeling about myself.
I sit here, exhausted and at my wit's end. Who hasn't been there? Multiply times?
I want to complain and stomp my feet and throw a pity party for myself. Why? Because no one else is doing it and I think I really deserve one!
Circumstances, you have no control over. Your attitude, 100% control.
My attitude stinks. And I know it. Hence, the ungodly wife and bad mom. If you ask my husband and kids, they would most likely tell you the opposite. That's because, they can't see the deep downess of my heart. Only God and I clearly see that.
I feel like it's now or never, though. Either I consciously choose right now to have a positive attitude about my circumstances or I will begin to fall in a deep and ugly funk. Who knows how long I'll be there. I've been known to stay quite awhile. Honestly, I'm tired of it.
There are some things in my life right now that I know are temporary. They'll be different in a day or two, a few months. There are some things, though, that are not going to change. Probably ever. And there is nothing I can do about it. That is what God has for me.
And I want to cry and hit and scream and stomp my feet because it makes my life hard and uncomfortable. I have to sacrifice, be gracious, and put others before myself. I'm seeing more and more clearly just what a selfish person I am. I don't like what I see.
Life can be hard. What a cliche' thing to say, I know. I'm totally for having a boo hoo party for yourself every once in a while. I think we are entitled to that now and again.
How can I beat this vicious cycle? I want the occasional boo hoo party, not the one that lasts for days. It doesn't make me feel any better and I'm convicted, as I type these words, that I'm not giving it over to God.
Now or never. What's it going to be?
Circumstances= 0% control. Attitude=100% control.
2 comments:
With my constant struggle against my health and the weight gain that came with it, I know what you're dealing with in regards to feeling like you want to have a temper tantrum. So many times I would sit down and say "WHy Me?" and then I would get bitter, angry, pouty, sad, etc. I would get jealous of people for no reason, I would think my life sucked worse than anything in the world.
It took a lot of soul searching to pull myself out of those holes. Sometimes, they come back up for various reasons ... thankfully, somehow I can realize that I am in control of my mood and my actions and then I get better.
Hang in there Jen! You're a wonderful mother and you'll feel more in tune with God again soon!! (HUGS) to you and your beautiful family.
Thanks for the encouraging words, Nikki!
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