A Matter of Perspective

My perspective on many things have changed drastically in the last month, obviously. Case in point:

At the beginning of June, I was put on “modified” bed rest. That meant I could only get up to go to the bathroom, shower, and the occasional visit to the fridge. There was to be no prolonged time on my feet, no cooking, no doing dishes, no cleaning, no picking up anything remotely heavy, no trips unless I was going to my doctor’s appointments.

Part of me should have been jumping up and down and shouting from the roof top. No housecleaning! Wahoo! But, no. I cried everyday. My freedom had been ripped away; all my plans dashed. The realization that I couldn’t do all the mommy-daughter things with Lily that I had planned was devastating to me. I didn’t think it could get any worse.

I didn’t think it could get any worse.

As I sit in my hospital bed, staring outside at a strange city, 2 hours away from home, I’d give my left leg to be home and couch bound. I count down the days until I can see my Lily. My point of view has changed.

I’ll be 30 weeks on Tuesday. My doctor said she’ll do a C-section at 35 weeks, 36 at the latest. Ok, do the math. 5 ½ to 6 ½ weeks is 38-45 more days. Then we add the 12 days I’ve been here. On many days those numbers have been overwhelming. I’ve uttered the words, “I cannot do this!” MANY times. Just ask Andy!!

My perspective changed, though, when one of my nurses told me about the other mom here who has a previa, like me. She’s only 25 weeks along, she’s been here since week 22, and she’s on complete bed rest. That means bed pans and sponge baths.

I didn’t think it could get any worse. But, it can. And I’m thankful that it’s not.

Lily came for a visit yesterday. It was the first day I was allowed to go outside, in a wheelchair. I had half an hour. Now, I know that’s not much. Heck, prisoners get at least an hour of yard time every day! But when you have not been outside your room for 12 days, ½ hours is solid gold. To feel the sun on my skin and breathe real air…….I’ll take it.

Lily thought it was an awesome ride. “Wheel us around, Dad! This is a fun ride!” You know what? As simple as that little ride was; I felt the same way. My point of view had changed.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t always feel so positive. There’s tears most days and me asking God, “Why me?” But He’s teaching me and I’m learning. I just hope and pray that when all is said and done, when baby is out, when we are back at home and things are “normal” again, I won’t get mad and frustrated when little things don’t go my way. I did that a lot. I know I won’t turn into this perfectly calm and level-headed Stepford person. But I hope I will remember these lessons and be different.

Day #5 Blog Challenge

Day 5- A blog

I got a little distracted from my blog challenge for the month. So, I’ll try to resume and maybe I’ll finish before the baby comes.

Today’s topic- a blog.

I do follow a few different blogs; but I’ll share one that I was just introduced to the other day by my friend Karri. I’ve only read a few posts; but I think this will be one I keep up with.

http://allthingshendrick.blogspot.com/

This family are missionaries to Haiti. I really like her style of writing and she sounds like me or you! I think it's worth checking out.

Life at Hotel Kaiser

I thought I’d do another post on hospital life, a positive one.

I really need to stay positive today because Lily left with her grandparents and I won’t see her for at least a few days. This is harder than I could have imagined, being away from her. So…. the name of the game today is to think happy thoughts.

There are some perks to being in a hospital on bed rest. While I hate not being able to anything for myself…. I don’t have to do anything!!! Here’s the Top Ten Perks to living in Hotel Kaiser.

1.) I get every meal brought to me. No cooking no clean –up. (Yes, it is hospital food; but I’m focusing on the positive here!)

2.) They change my linen everyday! If only my family had it that good!

3.) If I need the tiniest thing, a cup of ice, an extra pillow- you name it!, I press a little red button and someone comes within seconds.

4.) Someone cleans my bathroom and mops my floor everyday.

5.) My number one job (and only job) is to relax! When’s the last time someone has told you that?

6.) I’ve spent more time alone with Andy in the last week than I have in the last year and a half. (With him going to Academy and then right into FTO, alone time has been few and far between.)

7.) The hospital is air conditioned; my house is not.

8.) I’m always in charge of the remote control. Hey, who’s going to argue with a pregnant, bed-ridden lady?

9.) Being here has put some things in my life back into the correct perspective; that I think were a little out of wack. I am forced to focus on what is truly important and the other stupid fluffy stuff just doesn’t matter; it falls by the wayside.

10.)Hey, I thought 9 was pretty good. I am in a hospital after all!

PICC Line Anyone?

I’ve been in the hospital for one week. Every morning I wake up and it feels like a dream. I just want to go back to sleep, wake up again, but be in my own bed. Since summer started, Lily has been crawling into bed with me each morning, we talk and cuddle, and then she always says, “Let’s go into the living room and watch cartoons.” Every morning. I miss that.

But yesterday was Father’s Day and Andy went home to pick up Lily. They were able to have lunch together and she gave him a big hug and a hearty “Happy Father’s Day!” It wasn’t the ideal Father’s Day; but this past week has been such a blaring reminder of what an amazing dad and husband Andy is. I’ve seen, that to Andy, family is the most important thing. He’s had to stop everything, right in the middle of his field training to take care of me. And he’s always had a smile on his face, always been calm and collected. Just what I need.

So I must talk about hospital life and I must laugh about it.

This is what I’ve learned: If you want rest, don’t come to a hospital. Let me give you an example by recounting the last two days. There is some blood involved. So, if you are faint of heart, you may want to skip this part!

After Andy left to go back to S.R., they came in to take out my IV port that they had put in the day before. It was really irritating my hand and I couldn’t use it. This was no good, so they had put a new one in my other hand. Now they were taking out that one to put in a PICC line. A PICC line goes up high on your arm. Now, I don’t have to be poked when they draw blood or if they have to give me meds. It just goes through the pick line.

Now, I wasn’t prepared for this little procedure. I thought, they’ll just stick it in, lickety split. Not exactly. 2 nurses came in with shower caps and masks and covered me with a blue sheet and shielded my face. They brought in an ultrasound machine to find a good vein along with a various assortment of dressings and tubes.

“Whoa, whoa, now wait a minute, people. Is this going to hurt? No one told me we were having an impromptu surgery here!”

When they told they would numb the arm, I calmed a bit. “I can do this, I can do this. What time I am afraid I will trust in you.”

I have to admit, I was pretty brave. I even looked a little…. Until I saw some blood.

Things went well, until later that day when my heart started racing. “Am I having a heart attack? What now?” On the monitor I watched my heart rate go up to 197 beats a minute. Once it even went up to 200. “Well, this isn’t normal!” Fortunately these little “episodes” don’t last long; though they are a little disconcerting. I guess the catheter just aggravates that area sometimes. Not much can be done about it.

Lil came later and that made everything better. After she left Andy and I couldn’t go to sleep for a long time. Around 12 we finally went to sleep, only to be awakened at 1 a.m. to take a chest xray. (to check the pick line) “Hmmm….you couldn’t do this at 10 or 11 o’clock last night????” I went back to sleep to be awakened again at 6 a.m. for them to draw blood. Then at 7 a.m. so they could do an EKG. At this point, I have to laugh or I am going to cry. “Couldn’t we coordinate these little “drop ins” a little better?”

To go back to sleep now was pointless. So my sweet nurse brought me graham crackers and hot tea and I decided to start my day a little early.

I’m recording this so that in 3 months when I’m up at 2 a.m. feeding Bauer Boy and feeling sick and tired, I can think back to this time and say, “If I could do hospital life; I can do this - piece of cake.”

Our New Summer Home - Roseville

I don’t even know how to begin this post. A big part of me does not even want to write at all. But I know writing about this time in my family’s life, in my life, may help me get through the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

Mine and Andy’s new address is room #334, Kaiser Hospital, Roseville, California. This will be our home for the next couple of months. The thought of me not seeing my house, my dog, my friends or my town until August (most likely) makes me sad. The thought of not seeing my family and especially my daughter for days at a time makes my heart break into pieces.

But the thought of having a baby at 28 weeks is scary. And so I’m thankful that we are in a place where if Bauer Boy comes early, we are in a place equipped to care for a baby that small.

So here’s the 411. I have placenta previa which makes you bleed and can cause lots of problems when a baby is born. One of the problems being having very premature baby, which brings a hosts of potential probems. The other being hemorrhaging when the baby is born. There’s not much I can do besides be as still as possible. Even then, there’s no guarantee there won’t be bleeding. I’ve been called “a ticking time bomb”; but the most common term is “high risk”. After the 3^rd bleed, they told me I had to stay in the hospital until the baby is born. Santa Rosa unfortunately is not equipped to care for babies earlier than 34 weeks. So, Roseville, was the closest place we could go.

This past week, I’ve said a verse over and over again. "What time I am afraid I will trust in you." I’ve been poked and prodded. My arms and hands look like pincushions. I’ve been on some heavy drugs that have made me feel sick and disoriented. I’ve also been moments away from being wheeled into the operating room. I’ve been scared and just plain miserable. But I’ve held on to that verse. I’ve never been alone. God has been with me and Andy has held me hand the whole time.

My posts may not always be happy; but I won’t always be happy. I hope I can always be thankful, though.

So here are some happy, funny highlights from my week:

v The first time I got to take a shower and wash my hair! The best feeling ever!!

v The first time they let me eat! It had been two days. Pregnant lady + 2 days of no food= torture

v All of my nurses have been very, very nice and actually kind of mothering. This is so great when you feel horrible and far from home.

v After 5 days, my awesome husband helped me SHAVE MY LEGS! Enough said.

For every day the baby can stay in the womb, they say it will be 3 less days in the NICU. So here's to another day in Roseville, another day of being pregnant!

Day #4- Blog Challenge

Me and my sis

My sister, Me, Lil and Niece Lauren

Day 5- Someone I miss

First, let me just say that if today had been Day #4 of the challenge my goal would have been for me to make it to 36 weeks before I have this baby. Now, I’m not sure if that’s just wishful thinking.

So I write today’s challenge from my hospital bed. 2 visits in 2 weeks. If I have to go back again, I get to stay in the hospital until Bauer Boy is born. Let’s pray that this is the only blog I write from a hospital bed!

Ok, someone I miss. Easy. My sister, Patricia. Growing up we lived in the same town (after she got married). Then they moved to South Dakota for a few years. Then they moved back to California and moved to Santa Rosa where I joined them a few years later. Up until about 6 years ago, we taught together at RVC and one year we even taught 3^rd grade together (She had one section and I had the other.). 6 years ago her family moved to Colorado.

The last time I went to visit her (last summer), Lily and I took a girl’s trip together. We had so much fun. My niece (Lauren), Patricia and I went to see a movie. The movie was sweet and predictable. It was “ok”; but seeing it with them was hilarious! When my sister and I get together we are very silly. I miss the silliness.

I love to see her play with Lily as well as my niece and nephew and brother – in –law. I wish Lily could be with them more often. She comes to visit us, too. But visits are few and far between. I’m actually supposed to be in Colorado this week with Lily. But due to this darn bed rest, we will have to use the tickets another time.

I can talk to my sister about anything, more than I can with anyone else. So I miss her not being around even though she is just a phone call away.

It’s funny because when I was little, she was just like another mom to me (She’s nine years older.); but as the years have progressed she’s truly become my dearest friend. Love you, sister.

Day # 3- Blog Challenge

Day 3- A thing that’s on your mind.

Yikes. Just one thing?

What isn’t on my mind these days?

Since I sit most of the day and am not nearly as busy as I usually am, I’ve found that I have plenty of time to think. At times, my thoughts (which almost always turn into worries) run willy nilly in my mind.

I don’t like it.

But I guess one big thing that’s been on my mind (besides the constant prayer of, “Lord, just let me make it to at least 36 weeks. Please!”) is the fact that God doesn’t bring situations or people into our lives for no reason. There is always a reason; there is always a plan.

I know He’s trying to teach me a lot through this pregnancy. Faith being the big one. And I know through the next several weeks He’ll show more, if I just take the time to really listen. The last two weeks, I’ve had my own church at home. I’ve been listening to sermons on line and some Charles Stanley on the t.v. Both weeks, the idea of us being too busy have been main points in the lesson. Too busy to pray, too busy to spend time reading God’s Word, too busy to notice the needs of people around us. Maybe that’s the other lesson God is literally forcing me to learn.

Well, that’s it. I could go on; but the challenge was one thing. And you probably don’t want to know everything on mind. That could be a little scary!!

Day #2 Blog Challenge

Day 2 – A Hobby

I know that I'm supposed to blog everyday; but I've been busy. You know, all that sitting around on the couch!

Well, this one is kind of sad. Because when I really thought about it, I realized I don’t have one. I always say I like to read and scrapbook; but I rarely ever do these things. I read… for work. I scrapbook some in the summer. Honestly, I always brought work home. In my free - time, I just tried to spend time with Andy and Lily.

Now that I’m couch bound, I’ve picked up cross stitching again. I plan on doing that this summer and I do plan on scrapping. So, here’s my chance to find a hobby again and now I have time to actually do it.

Here’s what I’m cross stitching. And, yes I started this right around the time we got married. And, yes that was almost 11 years ago!!!!

30 Day Blog Challenge

Okay, first of all, I'm totally stealing this idea from my friend, Jamie.
I felt like I could use a little structure to help me blog. So here goes. Though I may squeeze in other posts, here and there, that aren't part of the challenge.

Day 01 –A paragraph about yourself.

Day 02 - A hobby.
Day 03 – A thing thats on your mind.
Day 04 – A goal.
Day 05 – A person you miss.
Day 06 – A blog.
Day 07 – A picture of you when you were little.
Day 08 - A pet peeve.
Day 09 – A show.
Day 10 – A insecurity.
Day 11 – A actor.
Day 12 – A thing that worries you.
Day 13 – A list of favorite memories.
Day 14 – A bad habit.
Day 15 – A wish.
Day 16 - A picture you took.
Day 17 – A secret.
Day 18 – A thing your afraid of.
Day 19 – A recipe.
Day 20 – A picture of your “crew”.
Day 21 – A dream you had recently.
Day 22 – A thing you do every day.
Day 23 – A meme.
Day 24 – A topic that makes you think.
Day 25 – A song.
Day 26 – A thing you want to do before you die.
Day 27 – A thing that makes you mad.
Day 28 – A quote.
Day 29 – A place that gives you wanderlust.
Day 30 – A future.

Day 1 - A paragraph about me.

Oooh, these are always hard. Well, I'm a thirty something mom and wife. Born in San Francisco, I grew up going to church and school in the city. We lived in the beach side town of Pacifica; but commuted almost every day. I have a truly amazing husband who is my perfect match in every way. I have a beautiful 3 1/2 year old daughter who keeps me laughing and on my toes. I look like I've swallowed a watermelon because I'm 6 months pregnant with number #2. I'm a Christian and was thankfully raised in a Christian home. My faith is not part of who I am; it is who I am. I'm an elementary teacher who, very recently, has taken an indefinite break from teaching to stay home with the kiddos. I love to watch movies and spend time with my family and friends. I used to love to read and scrapbook once upon a time. Oh yeah, I like to write. I think I'm pretty funny. Or at least, I try to be. And most importantly, I love bread! Well, it's not the most important thing; but I thought I'd throw that in there. Okay, that's me.

One, Two, Three Ouch!

So, I'm posting twice today. Hey, I'm just on the couch. I have a lot of time on my hands.

I must write about something very unpleasant I had to do yesterday. I failed my glucose test that I took in the hospital the other day. So I had to take the much longer 3 hour one on Friday. They draw blood, then you drink a bottle of super sweet sugary orange punch. Then for the next 3 hours, they draw your blood once every hour. (Sounds super fun, doesn't it?)

4 blood draws in all. Not my first choice to spend the morning; but I got to get out the house and walk around for a bit.

The most important task that morning though was to decide what to wear. So what does one wear to a 3 hour glucose test? It was chilly and I wanted to be comfortable. I was going to have to sit and wait for quite awhile. I couldn't wear my pajama pants. (I know people do that, but I have a problem with people being so lazy that they can't even throw on a pair of jeans before they leave the house. I'm not down with that!) I didn't want to wear my jeans.... again.

I decided to break out the brown velour sweat pants and matching brown hoodie. (Chocolate brown for you visual people) Now, I'm not one to don the velour, ever. I'm simply not that bold. But it was passed on to me from a formerly pregnant friend. It was cute, comfy and didn't have "juicy" bedazzled across the rear, so I thought I could pull it off.

After the first blood draw I decided to wait in the main lobby next to the coffee cart. Yes, the coffee cart with it's delicious aromas and baked goodies staring at me through their glass prisons calling, "Free me, eat me!" Did I mention this was a fasting test? I hadn't eaten since 10 the night before?!? I'm crazy, I know.

So what did I do for those 3 hours? Well, I spent the first hour reading a magazine, trying not to fall into a hunger induced coma. The second hour, I spent jotting down these very words so I could blog them later. I also spent the time debating on whether to get up to use the bathroom or not, fearing I'd lose my primo double wide chair under the skylight. The third hour, I spent catching up on the Royal Wedding news. There was was a whole issue of Time dedicated to the two love birds. Very interesting actually.

All in all, it wasn't that bad. Time went by faster than I thought. And most importantly, my knight in shining armor picked me up in the parking lot with hamburger and french fries in hand.

Just 94 Days to Go!

Just 94 days to go! That's when Bauer Boy should make his grand entrance. (That's what I have to call him since Andy and I are no where close to agreeing on a name.) I can't believe I'm down to mere weeks. 13 1/2 to be exact.

This also means 94 days to be on the couch. I'm still in a bit of shock to be quite honest. One day I'm in my classroom packing things up and sorting papers, thinking of all my summer plans that I'm about to embark on. Next day, I find myself at Kaiser lying in a hospital bed only being able to get up to use the bathroom.

Because of the placenta previa I have and the fact that I started bleeding (And I just have to say, it didn't seem like that much to me. But according to the doctor it was enough) I am now on bed rest for the next 94 days.

94 days seems like forever.

I will be very honest, I really haven't been able to see the silver lining in this. I've been....blue.

Pity Party for one, calling Pity Party for one!

First of all, I am SO THANKFUL that Bauer Boy is fine. He's moving and kicking and looks great. When I get to feeling sorry for myself or mad that I can't do the things I was looking forward to doing, I remind myself (as the doctor did) that I don't want to have a baby at 26 weeks. He's still safe inside, cooking away, as he should be.

It was all the things I was looking forward to doing, especially with Lily. Our family vacation and trip to see my sister in Colorado... cancelled. Going to the library and working in the garden with Lily.... cancelled. I could go on, but I won't. I have to look at the bright side or this will be one sad summer.

Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116:7 This verse has been comforting to me. The Lord has been good. I have lots and family and friends around to help. Andy, who up until now has worked graveyard shifts, is on the day shift for the next month. How awesome is that?? I won't be alone at nights. No dishes to do or cleaning the bathroom. All I have to do is fold the laundry, not put it away (which was the part I hated doing).

It's just 94 days, right? A drop in the bucket in the big scheme of things.

Things don't "just happen". And I know that. God has a reason and something to teach me and the people around me.